Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a child is having difficulty coping with grief. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some children to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief can be emotionally unhealthy and can later lead to more severe problems.

A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go; however, honoring or remembering the person in some way, such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a scrapbook, reviewing photographs, or telling a story may be helpful. Ten or twenty years from now a child may not remember specific details of the funeral they attended, but they will remember that it was a meaningful, non-threatening experience and that they were actively involved in the final good-bye to their loved one who died.

Children should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own way.  Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that the child has permission to show his or her feelings openly or freely.

The person who has died was essential to the stability of the child’s world, and anger is a natural reaction. The anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the child will show anger towards the surviving family members. After a parent dies, many children will act younger than they are. The child may temporarily become more infantile; demand food, attention and cuddling; and talk baby talk.

Younger children frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young child may believe a parent, grandparent, brother, or sister died because he or she had once wished the person dead when they were angry. The child feels guilty or blames him or herself because the wish came true.

The Depressed Child

Not only adults become depressed. Children and teenagers also may have depression, which is a treatable illness. Depression is defined as an illness when the feelings of depression persist and interfere with a child or adolescent’s ability to function.

About 5 percent of children and adolescents in the general population suffer from depression at any given point in time. Children under stress, who experience loss, or who have attentional, learning, conduct or anxiety disorders are at a higher risk for depression. Depression also tends to run in families.

The behavior of depressed children and teenagers may differ from the behavior of depressed adults. Child and adolescent psychiatrists advise parents to be aware of signs of depression in their youngsters.

If one or more of these signs of depression persist, parents should seek help:

• Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying
• Hopelessness
• Decreased interest in activities; or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities
• Persistent boredom; low energy
• Social isolation, poor communication
• Low self esteem and guilt
• Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
• Increased irritability, anger, or hostility
• Difficulty with relationships
• Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches
• Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school
• Poor concentration
• A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns
• Talk of or efforts to run away from home
• Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self destructive behavior

A child who used to play often with friends may now spend most of the time alone and without interests. Things that were once fun now bring little joy to the depressed child. Children and adolescents who are depressed may say they want to be dead or may talk about suicide. Depressed children and adolescents are at increased risk for committing suicide. Depressed adolescents may abuse alcohol or other drugs as a way to feel better.

Children and adolescents who cause trouble at home or at school may also be suffering from depression. Because the youngster may not always seem sad, parents and teachers may not realize that troublesome behavior is a sign of depression. When asked directly, these children can sometimes state they are unhappy or sad.

Early diagnosis and treatment are essential for depressed children. Depression is a real illness that requires professional help. Comprehensive treatment often includes both individual and family therapy. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) are forms of individual therapy shown to be effective in treating depression. Treatment may also include the use of antidepressant medication. For help, parents should ask their physician to refer them to a qualified mental health professional, who can diagnose and treat depression in children and teenagers.

Talking to children about death

If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you’re not alone. By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know - if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. Don’t be mislead, our children already have an idea of death through seeing dead birds, insects, plants, or animals by the road or by watching tv or their favorite Disney movie.  Death is a part of life, and children, at some level, are aware of it. If we permit children to talk to us about death, we can give them needed information, prepare them for a crisis, and help them when they are upset. We can encourage their communication by showing interest in and respect for what they have to say. We can also make it easier for them to talk to us if we are open, honest, and comfortable with our own feelings - often easier said than done.

If possible, begin a dialogue with your child about how all living things on this earth will die someday. Speak in simple terms that a child can understand. What is said is important, but the manner in which it is said has even greater significance. Be aware of voice tone. Try to answer the questions in a matter-of-fact way without too much emotion. Remember that what is communicated without words can be just as meaningful to a child as what is actually said. It's not unusual for a child to ask the same question again and again. Repeating questions and getting answers helps the child understand and adjust to the loss of someone loved. Death is also difficult for adults to understand, thus be honest if you do not have an answer to their question. Do not try to make up some evasive answer. Children usually sense our doubts. White lies, no matter how well intended, can create uneasiness and distrust.

Children’s view of death can often be twisted because of how society or adults speak of death. Euphemisms are frequently used to soften the concept of death. Unfortunately, it complicates the situation. Statements such as “Grandpa is sleeping”, “She passed away”, “He went away”, “We lost grandpa today”, or “Grandma was sick” create fear in children as they cannot differentiate between reality and what has been said. Other phrases such as “She went to be with God” or “He was just old” also create distrust and confusion. Again, use simple, honest, straightforward explanations. A pastor and the funeral directors at O’Connell’s can also be a valuable tool to answer some of the difficult questions. It is also crucial to realize, talk alone cannot solve grief and is only one step to healing. 

Should Children Attend Funerals?

Funerals serve a valuable function in accepting the reality of death. Every society has some form of ceremony to help the living acknowledge, accept and cope with the loss of a loved one. Whether or not a particular child should be included again depends on the child and the situation. If the child is old enough to understand and wants to participate, being included may help her accept the reality of the death while in the supportive company of family and friends. Ten or twenty years from now a child may not remember specific details of the funeral they attended, but they will remember that it was a meaningful and non-threatening experience.

If a child is to attend a funeral, they should be prepared for what she will hear and see before, during, and after the services. They should be aware that on such a sad occasion people will be expressing their feelings in various ways and that some will be crying which is normal. Children should be encouraged to participate in a way they would like. Some children sing, write poems, pray, color pictures, or simply stand by mom or dad’s side! If she prefers not to attend the funeral or get very close, she must not be coerced or made to feel guilty. Either way, it is important to discuss their feelings before, during, and after their experience to help them heal and to help YOU heal too!

Explaining Cremation to Children

The first step in explaining cremation to children is for you, the adult, to have an understanding about how cremation works. Click here to read more about how cremation works. Follow the child’s lead. If you listen to her and pay attention to their behaviors, the child will teach you what they are curious about, what doesn’t interest them, what makes them scared. Give them only as much information as they want to know; answer their questions openly and honestly. If they have more questions, they’ll ask – especially if you’ve shown that you will answer their questions honestly and openly.

Speak in simple terms that a child can understand.  Think twice before withholding all information about cremation from children. Some would say that cremation is too violent a process to explain to children, yet children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know or have never been told. Often their imaginations can conjure up explanations much scarier that reality! Here are a few ideas to explain their questions:

• Cremation has been used for thousands of years. The ancient Greeks and Romans built funeral pyres (rhymes with hires), which were stacks of wood the body was put on top of. The wood was set afire and the body burned, too. Funeral pyres are still used in India today.
• There is no smell and no smoke when a body is cremated. It just gets very hot - about three times as hot as your oven at home can get. The heat burns away all the parts of the body except for some pieces of bone. Try to avoid using terms such as fire, flames, or burn if possible as they may be frightening.
• Cremation doesn’t hurt. The person is dead, which means the body doesn’t work anymore. Its heart doesn’t beat, its brain has stopped working, it doesn’t breathe and it doesn’t feel anything anymore.
• The O’Connell Family Funeral Home staff that they may, or may not know handle the body with a lot of respect and takes it very seriously. Just like you do, they understand that their loved one was a unique, special person who deserves to leave this world with dignity and love.
• After cremation, what’s left of the body looks like fishbowl rocks or kitty liter, except it’s white because it’s bone. It’s put in a clear plastic bag so you can see it if you want to. It is then placed in an urn much like a casket was used for a body.
• When a dead body is buried in the ground, it breaks down after months and years and just a skeleton is left. Cremation makes this happen much, much faster.

When a pet dies

For many children, their first real experience with loss occurs when a pet dies. When a pet dies, children need consolation, love, support, and affection more than they need complicated medical or scientific explanations.  Children's reactions to the death of a pet will depend upon their age and developmental level.  Children 3 to 5 years of age see death as temporary and potentially reversible.  Between ages 6 and 8, children begin to develop a more realistic understanding of the nature and consequences of death.  Generally, it is not until 9 years of age that children fully understand that death is permanent and final.  For this reason, very young children should be told that when a pet dies, it stops moving, doesn't see or hear anymore, and won't wake up again. They may need to have this explanation repeated to them several times.

There are many ways parents can tell their children that a pet has died.  It is often helpful to make children as comfortable as possible (use a soothing voice, hold their hand or put an arm around them) and to tell them in a familiar setting.  It is also important to be honest when telling children that a pet has died.  Trying to protect children with vague or inaccurate explanations can create anxiety, confusion, and mistrust.

Children often have questions after a pet dies, including: Why did my pet die? Is it my fault? Where does my pet's body go? Will I ever see my pet again? If I wish hard and am really good can I make my pet come back? Does death last forever? It is important to answer such questions simply, but honestly.

Children may experience sadness, anger, fear, denial, and guilt when their pet dies. They may also be jealous of friends with pets.

When a pet is sick or dying, spend time talking with your child about his/her feelings. If possible, it is helpful to have the child say goodbye before the pet dies. Parents can serve as models by sharing their feelings with their children.  Let your child know it is normal to miss pets after they die and encourage the youngster to come to you with questions or for reassurance and comfort. 

There is no best way for children to mourn their pets. They need to be given time to remember their pets. It helps to talk about the pet with friends and family.  Mourning a pet has to be done in a child's own way. After a pet has died, children may want to bury the pet, make a memorial, or have a ceremony.  Other children may write poems and stories, or make drawings of the pet. It is usually best not to immediately replace the pet that has died.

The death of a pet may cause a child to remember other painful losses, or upsetting events. A child who appears to be overwhelmed by their grief and not able to function in their normal routine may benefit from an evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional.