Talking To Children
Children & Death
Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a child is having difficulty coping with grief. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some children to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief can be emotionally unhealthy and can later lead to more severe problems.
See The Depressed Child
Children should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own way.
Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that the child has permission to show his or her feelings openly and freely.
If the person who has died was essential to the stability of the child’s world, their anger is a natural reaction.
The anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the child will show anger towards the surviving family members.
After a parent dies, many children will act younger than they are.
The child may temporarily become more infantile; demand food, attention and cuddling; and talk baby talk.
Younger children frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them.
A young child may believe a parent, grandparent, brother, or sister died because he or she had once wished the person dead when they were angry. The child feels guilty or blames him or herself because the wish came true.
Should Children Attend Funerals?
Funerals serve a valuable function in accepting the reality of death. Every society has some form of ceremony to help the living acknowledge, accept and cope with the loss of a loved one. Whether or not a particular child should be included again depends on the child and the situation. No matter what they, and you, decide, it is important to discuss their feelings before, during, and after their experience to help them heal and to help YOU heal too!
If the child is old enough to understand and wants to participate, being included may help them accept the reality of the death while in the supportive company of family and friends.
A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go; however, by honoring or remembering the person in some way, such as:
- Lighting a candle
- Saying a prayer
- Writing their loved one a letter
- Reviewing photographs
- Making a scrapbook
- Telling a story
They will remember that it was a meaningful, non-threatening experience and that they were actively involved in the final good-bye to their loved one who died.
Prepare children for what they will hear and see before, during, and after the services.
They should be aware that on such a sad occasion people will be expressing their feelings in various ways and that some will be crying which is normal.
Children should be encouraged to participate in a way they would like.
Some children sing, write poems, pray, color pictures, or simply stand by mom or dad’s side!