Ask The Funeral Director: “Are Your Past Experiences Hurting You Today?”
Please Don’t Say This to Your Family
“Just cremate me and throw me in the spreader.”
“I don’t want a funeral—just cremate me. It’ll be easier for them.”
Over the course of my career, I’ve heard it all—and sadly, I’ve seen the consequences all too often. I understand where this comes from. When we don’t feel worthy, struggle to accept love, or feel uncomfortable in the spotlight, it’s hard to imagine people gathering to mourn our loss. Most of us don’t like attention. It can feel awkward or even undeserved. We wonder, Do I really matter that much? Because we feel unworthy, we push others away.
But here’s the truth: you do matter, and your story matters—in life and especially in death!
I’ve seen families deeply torn when a loved one instructs them to “just cremate me” and not hold a funeral. Grieving spouses and adult children are often left in anguish, wanting desperately to celebrate your life but afraid they’d be betraying you if they did.
I’ve watched people brought to their knees—locked in pain and fear—because they’re unsure how to move forward without violating your wishes. Your family loves you. And they need space to grieve in their own way.
They need to process your death in order to heal and function in their lives—especially in their roles as parents, partners, and professionals. When there’s no opportunity to say goodbye in a way that honors their connection to you, it leaves a painful hole. Unresolved grief often resurfaces as unhealthy coping—addiction, broken relationships, depression.
Surely, that’s not what you want for the people you love.
Instead, embrace this: they love you just as you are. None of us are perfect—we all make mistakes—but love remains. They may grieve the life shared or even the relationship that never fully was. Either way, they need to grieve, and they need permission to do it in a way that brings peace.
When you love someone, you do whatever you can to help them thrive. That includes supporting their need to gather, to remember, and to say goodbye. Give them your blessing now.
Let them know it’s okay to honor your life however they need—because their healing matters to you!
Sincerely,
