Ask The Funeral Director: "What's Wrong with Them? (Part Two)
What's Wrong with Them? (Part Two):
Missed Part One?
Before you read Part Two, I encourage you to start with "What's Wrong with Them? (Part One)."
In Part One, we explored one of the biggest myths about grief: the belief that everyone should grieve the same way. Understanding that foundation will make this month's article even more meaningful.
What's Wrong with Them? (Part Two)
Last month, we talked about the myth that everyone should grieve the same way. This month, I'd like to explore another reason people sometimes ask, "What's wrong with them?" Sometimes, it's not really about the death. In many ways, it's about everything that came before it.
Let's be honest. Despite what we'd like to believe, not every family is gathered around the bedside holding hands and singing "Kumbaya." Some families have spent years, even decades, carrying unresolved hurts. Let me be clear. Every family has dynamics. Some are healthy. Some are complicated. And some carry deep wounds that have never truly healed.
One sibling feels overlooked. Another never felt accepted. Another never felt seen or heard. Someone else is still carrying resentment from a divorce, an inheritance dispute, abuse, or something that was said twenty years ago and never addressed. The point is, family relationships are rarely simple.
Then someone dies.
From the outside, it appears the death caused the conflict.
We hear comments like, "Did you see my sister laughing after the funeral? She's probably happy Mom is gone."
"He never came to see Dad, but he sure will come looking for the will!"
Most of the time, the death isn't the source of the conflict. It simply exposes what was already there: years of unresolved hurt, disappointment, resentment, or, for some families, deep-seated trauma.
Death has a way of pulling old wounds back to the surface. For many, those wounds have been carried for years. Loss simply peels back another layer.
After decades of serving families, I've learned something.
Old wounds rarely stay buried forever.
Death has a way of exposing them.
Then something opens the door. The death of a parent, spouse, or child is often the catalyst. Suddenly, people aren't just grieving today's loss. They're grieving yesterday's hurt as well. I've watched families argue over things that had absolutely nothing to do with funeral arrangements. More often than not, money becomes the spark that ignites years of unresolved hurt.
I've often said that when we don't process our pain, it eventually comes out sideways toward the people closest to us. That's why someone might criticize a sibling for not crying. Or accuse another family member of "not caring."
Those comments are often years of hurt finally finding a voice.
Does that excuse hurtful behavior? Absolutely not.
Do I hope families find healing? Absolutely.
But expecting decades of hurt to disappear over the course of a visitation or funeral is rarely realistic. Understanding where it comes from, however, often helps us respond with compassion instead of more anger.
At the end of the day, I believe something very simple.
Beneath the frustration...
Beneath the criticism...
Beneath the anger...
People still long for the same things.
To be loved.
To be accepted.
To belong.
Maybe that's why death has such a unique way of exposing family relationships. It reminds us that time is limited, words matter, and unhealed wounds rarely stay buried forever.
The funeral didn't break the family.

It simply revealed where it had already been broken.
Written by:
Mike O'Connell
O'Connell Family Funeral Homes
