Here’s another saying that I just can’t stand. “It is what it is.” It ranks right up there with another one that makes me cringe: “Well... at least you have closure.”

I’d be willing to bet that either you’ve said, “It is what it is,” or someone has said it to you. I get frustrated every time I hear it. Not because of the people saying it, but because of what it represents.

So why does it bother me so much?

Because as funeral directors, we want to help people work through difficult emotions, not around them.

Why Do We Say “It Is What It Is”?

Most people don’t say those words because they’re uncaring. They say them because pain makes us uncomfortable. When we’re uncomfortable, we naturally look for a way to end the conversation or move past the emotion.

“It is what it is” becomes that exit.

Unfortunately, while the phrase may end the conversation, it doesn’t end the other person’s pain.

Think about it.

When someone says, “It is what it is,” what usually happens next?

Nothing.

The conversation ends.

Nobody asks another question. Nobody explores what the other person is really feeling. In many ways, it gives us permission to move on because we don’t know what else to say.

It becomes an easy exit from a difficult conversation.

Grief Rarely Gives Us Easy Answers

The truth is, pain makes us uncomfortable. We like problems we can solve. We like stories with happy endings. We like answers.

Grief rarely offers any of those.

So we reach for a familiar phrase that allows us to escape the discomfort.

Now imagine losing your spouse of fifty years.

Or burying a child.

Or hearing the doctor say, “It’s cancer.”

Then someone looks at you and says, “Well... it is what it is.”

Really?

No. It isn’t.

It’s heartbreaking.

It’s unfair.

It’s confusing.

It’s lonely.

It’s painful.

Let’s call it what it really is.

What Do Grieving People Really Need?

After nearly thirty years of meeting with grieving families, something has become very clear to me.

Very few people are looking for answers in the days following a death.

They’re looking for someone who isn’t afraid to sit in the silence with them.

Someone who doesn’t rush them.

Someone who doesn’t try to explain away their pain.

What Can You Say Instead?

So, the next time someone says, “It is what it is,” perhaps think about saying:

“That may be true, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.”

Or simply say:

“I’m so sorry.”

“Tell me about them.”

“I’m here.”

Those few words carry far more healing than trying to explain the unexplainable.

Life isn’t always fair. Sometimes terrible things happen to wonderful people. Sometimes there are no answers this side of heaven.

But that doesn’t mean we stop acknowledging how painful life can be.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give another person isn’t finding the right words.

It’s having the courage to stay present when there aren’t any.

Sincerely,

Mike O’Connell

O’Connell Family Funeral Homes